Well, a title like “what men want in sex” is, to some extent, a come-on. I don’t think anyone can say what “men” want in sex, despite many efforts to describe it. There are so many men, who want so many things. And many of us want more than one thing.
But I want to give a brief account of what one man wants, what he especially wants, in making love to his wife.
It’s true that a man loves the sexual pleasure he receives in lovemaking. When she kisses him, strokes him, or whatever, he really likes it, because it is pleasurable, and human beings are made to appreciate pleasure. So I would never discount pleasure as a male goal in sex.
And, yet, as I mention on the main website here, I don’t think that is the dominant, all-consuming desire of a man. I don’t even think it’s the chief goal (though I concede that many men think of it that way themselves.
Here is a piece of evidence that I find persuasive, from one man’s account of his lovemaking. He is making love to his wife. They have gone through the foreplay, which he has really enjoyed (especially at the beginning), and he’s been delighted and really aroused by her first orgasm during oral foreplay on her. He enters her (delighting in “the gasp”) and thrusts in various ways for a minute or two. (He doesn’t usually last all that long, once inside her.)
Now . . . he knows (from a lifetime’s experience) that, if he wants to maximize his own orgasm – make it the biggest O possible for him – the best way to do that is to really slow down as he feels he is about to reach “the point of no return.” (His mantra is “let it come to you”!) Then, as the orgasm begins to mount in him, he would move in her slowly, and then more quickly, until he ejaculates and feels the orgasmic explosion.
But . . . he now faces a bit of a dilemma. As he is thrusting in her, before the onset of his orgasm, he sees that she is really enjoying his thrusting in her, especially as he gets close to orgasm and the pace naturally begins to pick up.
A quick aside: there almost seem to be two kinds of male thrusting. When he enters her at first, he thrusts in different ways especially in order to please her. Its part of a conscious design on his part to please her. It is likely that the pace of thrusting increases as the act goes on (though it can be varied, of course). The thrusting during orgasm itself, however, is rather different: it is almost an “involuntary” thrusting – not something he so much plans to do, as what his body is telling him to do, urging him to do (often with the clear encouragement of his wife). He could say “no” to it, but he doesn’t want to!
Now, again, even before he gets to the point where he himself almost involuntarily thrusts – when he is still doing it primarily as something to please her – he notices that she is really enjoying it. She clearly WANTS the thrusting to go on. She loves the rhythm, the delightful friction on her vaginal nerves, the wonderful pull on the “crura” of the clitoris that thrusting can produce, and, above all, the deep feeling of union, of acting as one (as she responds to the thrusts). The last thing she wants him to do is to stop thrusting.
So . . . what does he do? It’s a significant decision. As he is about to reach the point of no return, does he continue thrusting, in order to respond to her clear desire for it? Or does he slow down, in order to prepare for a bigger orgasm himself?
By that man’s account, the correct decision is clear (even it there is a tiny bit of wistfulness in it): keep thrusting, and delight in the delight of his wife! His orgasm may not be quite a powerful, but it will be fine. But seeing her absolutely overcome with such powerful pleasure and delight is worth more than anything else. (And, for the record, each act of love varies somewhat, and there will be plenty of times when his wife isn’t quite so caught up in the thrusting, and he’ll be able to slow down and go for the big O for himself, and just get the big O without slowing down). It’s so good that there is a natural variety in marital sex.)
Note: I am not arguing that this man is more “virtuous” or “admirable” because he is being “noble” or self-sacrificing by making that choice to put her first. There may be some element of that (I hope there is, of course). But what I am arguing here is more “elemental” than that: the reason for that decision is that what makes the act really satisfying, most satisfying for him – more even than a more powerful orgasm of his own – is to see her more powerfully moved by his action in her. He would rather see her more deeply moved by his thrusting in her than have a bigger orgasm himself. THAT is the ultimate pleasure and satisfaction in the act for him — what he is able to do to and for and with her. That’s what men want in sex (at least men who really love their wives and are committed to their happiness above all), more than anything else.
