It is a commonplace observation that men are often frustrated that their wives are not more interested in marital relations (that is, as interested as they are). Men would like their wives, not just to be willing to have relations, but also to want to do so — to desire them the way they desire their wives. (Unfortunately, this is usually just an unrealistic expectation.) They hope their wives might even initiate relations sometimes, or have an interest or willingness to have more variety in their lovemaking, so that the husband doesn’t so often feel as if he has to wheedle or whine to have relations or to have more variety in the way they make love. He may sometimes be uncertain whether he is pushing too hard or asking too much, being unreasonable. Sometimes he’s just frustrated and feels that he is being denied something he’d really like, unreasonably.
And this whole issue is exacerbated by the simple fact that there is no obviously “right” frequency of marital relations, no objective standard for how often to have relations and in what form (within certain moral limits). These are matters to be worked out, with immense charity, between each husband and wife, each generously considering the desires of his or her spouse as well as his or her own.
To some extent, men have to suck it up and just recognize the reality that men and women are made differently, and that women (usually) don’t desire sex as much and are less likely to initiate it. (The obligatory qualification: some women do, of course, but that is much less common.) That’s just the way most wives are, and it’s not a criticism of or lack of love for their husbands, but a simple manifestation of their own normal, feminine inclinations and sometimes a preference for showing their love for their spouses in other ways. A wife does, of course, have to make the effort to be open to her husband’s desire for her and make a reasonable effort to respond to it — just as a husband has to rein in his desires and not act like a crybaby when he can’t get what he wants.
When dealing with this perennial issue, a man should ask: why am asking for, pushing for marital relations? Is it to show my love for my wife? Or is it because I feel that urge, the desire for . . . what? What is it that I desire? The feeling of physical pleasure in the act? (Yes, that’s attractive and I do want it.) The feeling of gratification in delighting her? (Yes, that’s a wonderful experience.) The delight of sexual union with the spouse I love? (Yes, of course.) All of the above? Yes – but in what measure? What are the dominant motives that lead me to try to induce my wife to have marital sex with me? Is it really that I want to “make love”? Or, in the worst case scenario, is it simply that I want to “get it” and that she is the one who is most readily available? And, if so, is this the kind of husband I want to be?
Our goal should be this: to take the very powerful and frequent urge for sexual activity and pleasure (which is, at least at some point, a given for most men — they often feel an intense urge for it) and shape it, transform it, orient it, uplift it, infuse it with a noble human (and divine) purpose: loving sexual union with my beloved spouse. And sometimes that means not pursuing lovemaking at times when my wife is clearly “not in the mood” for it. (Just as, for her, it will sometimes mean responding graciously to our requests, even when she’s not in the mood for it.)
This can be very challenging for many men. In our society, people have increasingly come to see sex as an irresistible “need” — an impulse that just has to be satisfied, in order to avoid feelings of frustration and resentment. But that is not the ideal of “the gift of self” that should be the goal of every married person in his or her sexual relations: to give oneself and to receive the gift of one’s beloved.
