One problem that arises from differences between the sexes regarding the frequency of marital relations is this: the tension regarding how often to make love can exacerbate the tendency of males to focus on getting, not giving. Because he is more likely to feel the urge for the sexual act and to take the initiative, asking for it, it may be difficult even for him to know how much he is seeking it out of that urge (which certainly involves a desire for the pleasure of the act) and how much he is channeling that urge into spousal self-giving and love.
Which leads to another question: what is, concretely, the difference between a focus on getting (self-centeredness) and a focus on giving (other-centeredness) in the conjugal act? And note a factor that makes this complex: this is not exactly the same as “giving” and “receiving” (with giving being good and receiving being bad) because receiving is also a good and integral part of the act that is not necessarily selfish. We should receive and delight in that receiving. Perhaps, however, the receiving should be more in the form of “accepting” (the gift) and not so much in the form of “seeking” for self.
Some things are clear: self-giving has to include a husband’s concern that his wife’s experience of the act be very good, and not just physically – he has to ensure that she not only receives a wonderful measure of physical pleasure, but also that she understands and sees his love in the act – so that the act be both psychologically and physically satisfying for her, and preferably very satisfying!
But it may not be that easy for a husband to discern his own focus clearly – what the degrees of “self-giving” and “getting” are in his experience of a given act. It is, of course, so easy to be overpowered by the sheer physical delight of the act, the receiving of such intense and satisfying pleasure. Yet there is also the enormous satisfaction of bestowing that kind of pleasure on the person he loves so much. So, what is it: self-gift or self-centered?
Another important aspect of this question: how, concretely and psychologically, is the marital act a union of persons as well as bodies? One way to pursue this is for a husband consciously to focus during the act on the distinctive personal qualities of his wife – not only her body, but various dimensions of her character and personality, her soul. Husbands actually do this more than some people may think, because our desire is not just for something physical (her lovely breasts or hair or whatever), but for her whole person — that lovely total package of qualities that makes her who she is, the person she is.
The total physical self-giving in the act (and it is natural to want to put ourselves entirely into it) would be a lie if it were not the sign and fruit of a total personal self-giving – especially, making every effort to communicate, in the act, the depth of one’s love for one’s spouse. A mere exchange together of pleasure — as powerful as it may be — neither expresses nor achieves spousal union, for there is nothing in that pleasure that necessarily draws a person out of his or her solitude (a focus on self) and draws each into a greater oneness with the other.
