Not many people think of “sanctifying” sex — but why not? It’s good (very good!) and it comes from God — why shouldn’t it “go back to Him” as well? There’s lots that could be said, but here’s a very simple primer.
First: it’s key to place marital relations in the whole context of love and service in a marriage, long before the bedroom. The lovemaking in the bedroom is a summing up — a culmination — of many days and evenings of loving your spouse in countless ways.
Second, to make sex something worth offering to God, there is a need for ongoing, continual sensitivity to her preferences:
1 – Sensitivity in the timing of relations: is she ready for relations now? Are the present circumstances such that she can find lovemaking meaningful and satisfying? Or, on the contrary, is she unlikely to find them meaningful and satisfying because she is tired, or agitated, or on edge about something in her life – which may have nothing to do with you?
2 – Sensitivity in the act itself: Do I move at her pace, especially with regard to the necessary preparation – the intimate conversation and attention that reflect the love between you, and the kissing and caresses and other foreplay that help prepare her? Do I cheerfully do (or forgo) what she wants me to do or not do (either in general or today), despite my own preferences, leaving those for another day (and without exterior or interior whining or resentment)?
Third, do I make frequent acts of thanksgjving throughout the act – above all, for her (as spouse and partner in life, mother of my children, best friend), and for the many delights she experiences and those she confers on me?
Fourth, do I consciously recall the human and supernatural purposes of the marital act, remembering what it is all about?: the expression of my self-giving love for and fidelity to her; the life-giving power of this act and its past fruitfulness (offering it for our children we have been blessed with); the ennobling of this powerful urge, resisting tendencies and temptations to selfishness (“the relief of concupiscence”)
Fifth, do I accept cheerfully the small crosses that are an ordinary part of marital relations, e.g., a less than powerful orgasm sometimes or the act just not turning out all that well, or her not doing something I’d like her to do, or her not really getting into the act or finishing well, or her moments of irritation or dissatisfaction with something I do? These little ups and downs – an ordinary part of every married life, if we are honest and realistic – are occasions to subordinate my own desires and accept God’s will cheerfully, focusing on her instead of just my own desires.
How to sanctify marital sex? The bottom line: is it all about me? Or is it about her, and about God, who have given such gifts to me?