In the body of this website, one of the subjects is “foretalk,” which I discuss here. I want to provide some additional thoughts on foretalk in this post.
There are actually various forms of foretalk, depending on how close in time it is to the marital act itself.
First, foretalk includes what can be called “remote” foretalk, which occurs far ahead of the marital act. This is the daily conversation during the week that builds up a sense of closeness and trust between the spouses. It is especially important for the husband to engage in this, because his wife, unlike himself, generally needs the building up of a sense of intimacy, closeness, and trust — a sense that things are right between them — in order to prepare her for the marital act.
Second, there is the conversation closer to the act itself, which might be called “proximate” foretalk. For example, there may be conversation over a meal immediately preceding and leading up to the act, which deepens the more immediate feeling of closeness.
Third, there is foretalk in the strict sense, at the start of the act itself. In fact, the first 15-20 minutes of the “act” may be conversation in bed, with the husband often listening as his wife opens up in this intimate context, as they undress and prepare and initially embrace and caress.
The latter foretalk can be difficult for a man, because his sexual urge – his desire to “get into it” – is running well ahead of hers. One suggestion that may help: it may be good for the wife to start stroking him as she talks. While he may not listen as intently, because he will inevitably begin to focus on the delight of her stroking, he may actually be able to listen more patiently, since he’s already beginning to feel the delight.
An observation somewhat related to foretalk: how long does sex take? For me, at least, about 2 hours. It usually begins with breakfast (making it, eating it, conversing over it), then the post-meal conversation (maybe 30-45 minutes), then the movement to the bedroom, getting undressed, and the conversation in bed, which can be another 15-30 minutes. And finally, the last 25-30 minutes: foreplay and marital intercourse itself, which flows from the intimacy created by the foretalk. This can be a bit frustrating at times, but, in the end, it’s really worth it!