As I have written here (like so many others), a husband has an obligation to try to ensure that his wife achieves the ordinary full satisfaction of the marital act – a wifely orgasm. So it would be useful to know more about a wife’s orgasms.
This topic is complicated because women are so very different (among themselves, not just from men) – physically, emotionally, temperamentally. Some (fewer) have a robust interest in sexual activity and seek out orgasms and others are much slower to engage in sexual activity and don’t think much about orgasms. And even these differences vary significantly over time. (A wife at 65 – after years of marital intercourse – is not the same person sexually as she was at 25 or 45.)
Moreover, on any given occasion of marital lovemaking, circumstances are often very different, and a wife may some times be better “primed” for lovemaking than others. This is partly related to how well her husband tries to prepare her emotionally, but it is also a function of many other things in her life (how the kids are, the challenges of her work on the home or a job, her health, changes in her body over time, etc.).
Orgasms vary within the act itself, too. An orgasm achieved through intense clitoral stimulation by the tongue during oral foreplay may be quite different from an orgasm from fingering the G-spot and from an orgasm from sexual union and thrusting. (On the much-discussed “clitoral orgasm” vs. “vaginal orgasm” controversy, see discussions here and here.)
I have mentioned at other places on this website the work of Stuart Brody, whose research into female sexuality led him to conclude that many women find more satisfaction in the physical union (penis-in-vagina intercourse) than in what may be a more intense orgasm from, say, direct manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris. The physical intensity is wonderful, of course, but for many wives it may still be secondary to a more important psychological good: the overall sense of deep personal union with their husbands (which can be achieved by PIV intercourse more than by direct stimulation of the clitoris or other parts of a wife). Wives sometimes speak of the great joy of feeling themselves “full” or “complete” in intercourse, by which I think they often mean the deep physical and psychological union that PIV intercourse creates.
A key factor in marital sexuality, which we should begin with, is not getting too taken up in searching for the “biggest” orgasm for your wife (also discussed here). What is lovemaking about? It’s about showing, expressing, communicating your love for your wife. Orgasms are a really nice part of that, but getting too caught up in the details of various orgasms is a distraction from the main point. (Of course, if your wife is not achieving orgasm at all, somewhat frequently, that’s a problem that should be addressed.)
A wife (especially those in long-term marriage relationships) may not be as intent on orgasm, or the magnitude of an orgasm, as a husband is, because she is more intently focused on the personal dimension, the relationship with the man she loves. A husband can sometimes seek to give his wife a “massive orgasm” not because of love, but because of vanity – he wants to think better of himself and his sexual power rather than focusing on loving her. (You can see this on some “hyper-masculinity” websites.)
So: what usually causes a wife to orgasm? Simple answer: some combination of emotional preparation, foreplay (manual and oral), and penetration and movement that stimulates the clitoris and/or parts of the vagina (or, less commonly, the breasts).
What does this mean, in practice? Ordinarily, begin lovemaking with a focus on your wife, show her a lot of love, making a real emotional connection with her, engage in lots of wonderful foreplay (giving special attention to the clitoris) — and don’t worry too much about the size or length or timing of the orgasm. With love and with great practice over many years, you will undoubtedly find many ways to have and to give – to share – wonderful orgasms.
If, however, in your marital life, she finds it difficult to achieve orgasm generally, and this concerns her (it won’t always), then study the various points made in this post (and in the subsequent post) and work together to achieve a satisfying result. You might also consider consulting with one of the (unfortunately few) sex therapists who keep the overall goal of marital sex in first place.