I believe that marital sex is truly miraculous.
Is Physical Sex a Dead-End?
There seems to be good evidence, in the experience of mankind, to think that sexual desire is inevitably headed for some kind of dead-end. The young (at least those who are fortunate enough to find compatible partners) often engage in it passionately and find it all-consuming and self-fulfilling. But that passionate self-fulfillment ends, inevitably. Anything based on passions ends, inevitably, because human passions rise and fall, wax and wane. The passion for one person, to the extent that it is based on physical passion and emotional connection, can’t last. There are just too many other potential objects of our attraction.
As I have argued in this section of the website, what is merely physical attraction can’t possibly last. Human beings naturally, at any given moment, can be powerfully, physically attracted to one person – but, over time, that attraction inevitably recedes somewhat. And a new object of physical attraction emerges (if it’s available). That incredibly beautiful, blonde goddess with the round face and magnificent full breasts can be the most beautiful creature on earth for a while – can almost seem like beauty itself. But, as we know, every “most beautiful person” gets less beautiful over time and, if we are honest, some new person will have become the most beautiful person – perhaps the slender, athletic brunette with the exquisite oval face. (Though sometimes we recognize that we would be hard-pressed at any time to choose “the most beautiful woman” from a large number of beautiful women – so many of them can be, in certain moments, and even from certain angles, the “most beautiful.”)
And, even more importantly, our attraction to a person of one kind of beauty, over time, will weaken – “familiarity breeds contempt,” the old saying goes (or, not strictly contempt really – that’s too strong – but a certain kind of diminished attraction or taking for granted) – and the old attraction will be countered and eclipsed or displaced by our attraction to a new kind of beauty There just is no “perfectly beautiful person” for any of us – someone before whom all others fade, permanently.
Emotional Attraction
And what I have said about physical beauty applies to emotional attraction as well. We may find ourselves powerfully, overwhelmingly attracted to another person whose temperament and personal qualities delight us enormously. She may not even be very beautiful (and we realize that) – but she carries herself in such a way (in a thousand, small, intangible details) that we feel an extraordinary attraction to her (more powerful than only physical attraction). And, because qualities that create emotional attraction don’t necessarily dissipate over time as much as physical qualities do, emotional bonds may even last longer than pure physical attraction.
But, again, there are so many ways in which each of us feels emotional attraction, because (as with physical beauty) there are so many (not entirely compatible) ways of being attractive. The clever, even hilariously wicked sense of humor of one person may have absolutely knocked us over on first meeting her, and for a good while thereafter – but it will, inevitably, to some extent, pale with time. A very different personality – perhaps an appealingly modest, humble, and deeply kind person – may capture our attention and better satisfy our desire for a personal, emotional connection.
Given this natural displacement of former attractive qualities by new and different ones, sexual appeal and attraction and desire based only on physical and emotional qualities would inevitably lead to serial sexual partners — one after another — each of whom satisfies for a while, and then gives way to some other person. (This assumes, of course, that the one seeking has enough qualities himself to find new partners!)
Persons Instead of Bodies
What could possibly make a permanent, life-long commitment to another person possible? Well, it’s precisely a commitment to a person (rather than only a physical or emotional attraction).
The body and the emotions are essential parts of a person, so they will always play a role. It’s hard to imagine a life-long relationship with a person if you don’t find her somewhat attractive and somewhat emotionally appealing. But, by themselves, a body and emotions can’t normally sustain a permanent commitment to another person. What can is the recognition that a person is, in some fundamental sense that we really care about, good. We don’t ordinarily talk this way anymore, but one way to say this is that the person has virtues.
Every person is a bundle of virtues and vices. The balance of virtues and vices, as you perceive them, is inevitably going to be a really key factor in the ability to live happily with another person for a lifetime (or, unfortunately, the inability to do so).
Virtues: kindness, generosity, humility, equanimity in the face of difficulties, industriousness, truthfulness, the capacity for forgiveness, respect, reliability, understanding, patience, perseverance, piety, integrity, temperance, cheerfulness.
Or (the other side of the coin) vices: inconsiderateness, laziness, arrogance, a bad temper, selfishness, deceitfulness, holding grudges, disloyalty, lust, avarice, pride.
The list could go on and on, of course. And it gets more complicated still when we ask: what is the central underpinning or foundation of these virtues (or vices)? They are a package — they don’t exist separately, in isolation.
The ultimate question is: what kind of person is she?
The problem with getting a good answer to this question is that there is so little in contemporary society that encourages us even to ask this kind of question.
Marital Sex
Now, how does this apply to marital sex?
Keep in mind that, if you live with a wife for fifty years, and make love reasonably often, you might well end up making love to her about three or four thousand times.
Here’s some math: for the first five years, 3 times a week; for the next thirty years, 2 times a week; for the next ten years, once a week; for the next five years, every other week. That’s 780 + 3,120 + 520 + 130. That totals out at 4,550. Making allowances for pregnancies, illness, separations due to trips, etc. etc., let’s say about 4,000 times. The exact number doesn’t matter, and it will vary wildly from couple to couple, but, any way you put it , in most marriages it’s likely to be a pretty large number.
Now, how could you not tire — stop feeling the same old powerful and exciting “jolt,” the excitement! — of making love to the same woman after 4,000 times? (And there just isn’t that much variety in sexual practices between the same two people to make it “fresh” for so long.)
The first part of the answer to that question (how can you not tire?) is this: if it’s just a physical act (you “getting off” with her), eventually you will get bored – especially if your imagination (constantly stimulated in a thousand ways in our society) turns to the other women you can imagine you might sleep with and who, because of their different bodily, emotional, and personal traits, would be “new” and “different,” to have sex with. Attraction to novelty is simply a deep feature of human life. (This is not unrelated to the fact that those who indulge in pornography inevitably get dissatisfied with the form of porn they are watching and continually “itch” for new and different forms.)
The second part of the answer is: well, yes, it may not be as exciting the 3,400th time as it was earlier in marriage. But that doesn’t mean it can’t still be, as a rule, deeply satisfying. (I have been eating chocolate for over 70 years, and I still enjoy it!)
But the third, and more important part, of the answer is: it’s not just a physical act – it’s a physical act in which you express your love for your spouse — ideally, a person you know and love and admire increasingly over time — in a way that brings each of you delight. Not always, of course – there are ups and downs in marital sex, like everything else human beings do. But, on the whole, given the union of great love for her, the sheer physical delight of making love, and the psychological satisfaction of bringing delight to the one you love, marital sex is a truly great blessing, right into old age — even the 4,000th time.
That is the miracle of marital sex.