When we move into sexual intercourse with our beloved, what are we aiming at? Is it about getting or giving?
The answer will seem obvious to most people: we have sex because we want to obtain the intense sexual pleasure that it offers us. The focus seems to be on what we are getting from it. That certainly seems to be what is right in the forefront of most most men’s minds when they move into sexual relations.
At the same time, if we think about what we are doing, it’s obviously not just about the pleasure we are receiving, for most people. If the pleasure we can get from it is the only or overwhelmingly dominant aim, then why would a man confine himself to sexual activity with his wife? Implicit in the fact that most people are strongly committed to fidelity to their spouse is the recognition that it’s not just about pleasure (as important as that is). The relationship with this person, this spouse — not just the pleasure — is central to what we are doing.
Another point that should make us hesitate to think it’s just about getting pleasure can be found even in the nature of the pleasure a man finds in sexual intercourse. It’s not just the physical pleasure he receives that matters to him. As I discuss elsewhere on this website, a really important part of a male’s pleasure or satisfaction is not a matter of his senses, the feelings of pleasure in his body. It’s the deep personal satisfaction of giving pleasure to his spouse, the one he loves and to whom he has committed himself for life.
It’s hard to see this, because the physical pleasure of marital intimacy is (ordinarily) SOOOOOOO strong that it tends just to push other things out of our minds. But, if we think more clearly about it, what marital intimacy is all about is the spouses’ gift of their selves to each other — giving and receiving being deeply intertwined.
I certainly don’t want to downplay the “getting.” What we receive in marital intercourse is certainly a big deal — we love it and pursue it. That includes the physical — the absolute delight of being aroused and stimulated and brought to the explosive climax of lovemaking. But what we receive is also the personal or spiritual gift of the love our spouse is expressing for us in this intimacy. (A sign of this is the satisfaction spouses can take in their marital relations even when the pleasure is less intense, which happens at times.)
I think men actually sell themselves short when they think they are only aiming at the sexual pleasure of the act. They want her sexual pleasure as much (or more), and they also really value the deeply satisfying sense of unity with their spouse that sex brings with it.