I am not ordinarily a big fan of inventing new words, but I make an exception in the case of cunnilingus. (That word sounds so technical and impersonal to me.) There is also no well-known and pleasant verb for the act (hardly anyone uses the archaic word “cunnilingue” and slang like “eating out” is ugly sounding). So I will generally refer to oral foreplay with a wife as “glossing.” Reasons: 1) it’s appropriate because it uses the Greek word for “tongue” and 2) it also has the connotations of “shining” or “glossy,” which is an image that fits nicely with the effect of glossing on a wife.
Because I am talking primarily about male marital sexuality, I will be primarily discussing cunnilingus, with just a few words on fellatio. And I will only discuss it as a form of foreplay, that is, as preparation for sexual intercourse. I should also say that the nature of the topic and some of the necessary details in discussing it suggest that this section should be read only by married men.
Nothing Unnatural About It
I want to briefly mention one issue, so that I can put it to the side. Some people (certain conservative moralists — fairly rare these days) argue that oral foreplay is “unnatural.” I have never seen a persuasive argument, however, that there is a significant moral difference between the finger (or hand) and the tongue, when it comes to foreplay. The idea of foreplay is that both partners, but perhaps especially the wife, need stimulation to prepare their bodies for sexual intercourse, and foreplay is therefore quite natural — that is, it helps fulfill the natural end of achieving full sexual union. (Nor are there any grounds for saying that “only the minimum necessary amount of foreplay” is justified.) Acts of foreplay (including the use of the tongue or mouth on the sexual organs) are part of the entire experience of sexual delight in marital lovemaking, the achievement of true marital union in sexual intercourse. They are therefore very good in themselves.
On the other hand, for reasons I will talk about elsewhere, I think that “completed oral sex” (where glossing is the total sex act, bringing a woman to orgasm and stopping there), is also problematic — because, while it achieves the fulfillment of sexual pleasure (the orgasm), it never achieves the sexual union that is the point of marital intimacy.
Glossing
What is there to say about a husband using his tongue on his wife’s genitals — glossing her — in marital intercourse, as part of foreplay? Frankly, I think it is wonderful.
I don’t think we know, or likely ever will know for sure, how many women DON’T regularly achieve orgasm in their marital lovemaking. But the discussion of the issue over a long period of time, and the reported experiences of many women, suggest that orgasm-less sexual intercourse for women is, at the very least, not uncommon.
There is much (endless) debate about the reasons for this. Sometimes it is simple male incompetence, as when a husband simply doesn’t deliberately aim to provide enough time for his wife to be aroused before he reaches orgasm and ejaculation. But some women say that, even with considerate and loving spouses, they are unable to achieve orgasm. (In some cases they can’t climax at all; more commonly they report not achieving climax regularly or consistently in their marital relations). One claim is that ordinary sexual intercourse, for many women, doesn’t provide sufficient direct stimulation to the clitoris to bring about an orgasm. (There is an interesting discussion of scientific studies here.)
This website is not going to describe and evaluate these arguments. What I will do is simply repeat the basic point: it appears to be a fact that a significant number of married women, for whatever reason, don’t consistently achieve climax in their marital relations — the culmination of sexual intercourse, with its full sexual release. This is unfortunate, since the ideal is that both husband and wife achieve complete sexual satisfaction (orgasm) in their marital lovemaking. (Karol Wojtyla argued this in the “sexology” section of his book Love and Responsibility, and it is also discussed well here.)
Glossing, or oral foreplay, is often — usually, as long as there has been appropriate personal focus and foreplay before it is started — a wonderfully effective way of providing direct stimulation to the clitoris, which helps women to reach climax. I think it is therefore a wonderful blessing. Of course, as with all things sexual, not every women enjoys receiving oral foreplay — it is not a “magic bullet” to resolve all problems of “anorgasmia.” But, as a general rule, glossing is a powerful means of arousing a woman and preparing her for sexual intercourse. (Again, keeping in mind that she needs the cultivation of emotional closeness and attention to the entire body prior to direct attention to the vulva and clitoris . . .)
One practical concern about glossing is that the husband is focusing not on his wife’s face, but on her genitals – her vulva and clitoris. This might be thought to detract from the personal dimension and the intimacy of the act, since the face is the part of the body where we especially focus on the person. (If a person were talking to us, it would be a bit weird to focus on the person’s arm or hand, rather than her face, and especially the eyes.) And a too-exclusive focus on the genitals could encourage a de-personalized approach to sex.
But eye contact is possible in some glossing positions, and even when it is not (as when the husband’s head is facing her feet during glossing), the husband’s hands can caress his wife’s body and face, in order to reinforce the personal dimension of the oral foreplay. Moreover, there is sense that you are entering her “hidden depths,” and that is very personal. As with so much about sex, the attitude you carry into different aspects of it determines whether the act is personal union or merely physical mechanics to achieve sexual gratification.
An Important Benefit of Glossing
As I discuss elsewhere, while achieving simultaneous climax in the marital act is certainly not necessary, it is appropriate and desirable. But in the ordinary act of sexual intercourse, it is not always easy to “time” the orgasms of husband and wife to achieve simultaneous climax. There is one relatively reliable way to achieve simultaneous orgasm, however.
Because a wife, unlike a husband, does not immediately enter the “resolution” stage after orgasm, but returns to a plateau, she may rise again to another orgasm fairly soon after her first climax. One of the great advantages of glossing is that, because it makes possible direct and comfortable (because the tongue is soft and moist) physical stimulation of the clitoris, it is very likely to bring a wife to a first orgasm. If a husband glosses his wife to climax, and then enters her (perhaps after a brief pause, because immediate re-stimulation after a female orgasm may be experienced by her as painful), it is very likely that during actual sexual union she will re-climax fairly quickly (perhaps several times), and ultimately climax simultaneously with her husband.
Oral Foreplay for Him
For some men (especially young men or those with limited sexual experience), oral foreplay may not be much of an option, because it will cause them to ejaculate very quickly. (For the same reason, it is, in general, less necessary than glossing a wife, because the additional stimulation is less often needed for a husband, while it is often necessary for a wife.) But, especially as one ages, a husband can “take” much more direct and extended stimulation of his penis, without ejaculating before he can unite with his wife to fulfill their sexual union. (Another one of the joys of sex in old age!)
As is usually the case, the best thing for a married couple to do is simply to try different things and see how they work. Maintaining contact between the wife’s lips and tongue and the head and/or shaft of the husband’s penis, with various motions up and down, and at different speeds, is an obvious starting point. The tongue can be a wonderful stimulant. A wife can use both lips and hands in various places (scrotum as well as the shaft of the penis) and directions (e.g., up and down, or corkscrew motions) during oral foreplay on her husband’s penis.
The frenulum, on the underside of the penis just below the urethral meatus (the opening for urination), is a particularly sensitive spot, as is the head of the penis itself. A good lube, like Astro-Glide, can supplement the wife’s saliva in order to reduce excessive friction, if desired.
Some husbands want a wife to do “deep-throating” (taking the entire penis, or as much of it as possible into her mouth), but this strikes me as inconsiderate to the wife, since it will normally cause gagging. And there’s no real reason for it, given that the lips, tongue, and hand in combination can give as much stimulation as any husband would want.