Ironically, an internet search for images of “foreplay” usually brings up pornographic pictures involving only bodies, which is strange — because foreplay is really the process of people (not just bodies) preparing for sexual union. The whole idea of “play,” after all, – especially “playing a game” – frequently suggests a relationship between people.
It is interesting that the word is an expansion of “play”. Play is an important element of human life generally, and not just in children. It is typically contrasted with what is “serious” – there is some element of lightness in it. (In fact, it would often be a vice to take play too seriously.) At the same time, though, it is a serious fact that a life without play would be a diminished life. Sometimes play is structured (as in games), but it usually involves elements of spontaneity as well. It is typically “fun”, a source of relaxation and amusement. It can be delightful.
The word foreplay came into use only in the 1920s. Before that, the idea had been represented by such words as “external enjoyments”, “preliminaries”, “toying”, “exciting”, and “love play”. (The word “forepleasure” was sometimes used in that sense, though not always.) More commonly, there were simply references to the specific kinds of foreplay, such as caressing, fondling, etc. But there has always been a sense that people (especially women) must be “prepared” for sexual intercourse.
What is Foreplay?
Foreplay is a process that covers a lot of ground: it often begins with both husband and wife in a state of sexual interest that is “pre-arousal” — they are not yet physiologically and psychologically aroused. Foreplay is the process of moving from the pre-arousal state to increasing levels of intimacy and arousal, until the bodies (and emotions) are completely prepared for sexual union. That process can be very quick, very slow, or somewhere in between. An important part of foreplay is the partners accommodating each other in their foreplay preferences (both in general and for that specific act).
A fairly sensible description of foreplay can be found on the Full Wiki on the subject: “In human sexual behavior, foreplay is a set of intimate psychological and physical acts between two or more people meant to create and increase sexual arousal, in anticipation of sexual intercourse. Any act that creates and enhances sexual stimulation between the sex partners may constitute foreplay, including kissing, touching, embracing, talking, and teasing . . .”
Unfortunately, many written discussions of foreplay on the internet are formulated in terms of what one person “does to” the other. (The “moves” that will drive him, or her, “wild”!) But there are also a good number of sensible discussions of foreplay as well. The reason is simple: a lot of women write on the web, and it is a permanent frustration of women from time immemorial that men so often want to “just do it” — that is, they want to move right to stimulating the genitals and enjoying physical pleasure. Women, on the other hand, are more inclined to want an extended period of embracing and kissing and caressing and talking (an exchange of affectionate, romantic words) prior to really “getting into it” physically. That psychological dimension is central to foreplay.
Moreover, it would be ideal to “humanize” the foreplay — raise it above a mere manipulation of physical parts — by integrating into initial arousal and foreplay the conscious perception, not just of your wife’s physical attractions, but of her goodness, virtues, generous love. It’s not just the physical sexual features of our wives that stimulate our desire, but their wonderful personal and spiritual qualities, and we should try to strengthen our awareness of those qualities even during the very act of love — indeed, especially during the act of love.
Women and Foreplay
Part of the reason for women’s need for foreplay is physical: women are “made” to need time to get aroused and have their bodies prepared for sexual intercourse. A very important part of this is the natural lubrication of the sexual organs that foreplay brings about.
A key fact: supplementing natural lubrication with artificial lubrication is really worthwhile. Artificial lubrication is a wonderful aid both in foreplay touches and in sexual intercourse itself. It helps both spouses experience greater pleasure in the caresses of either the labia and clitoris or the penis. A good lubricant prevents chaffing or friction that might be unpleasant or painful, especially with more extended foreplay touches. (A friend once told me that he was especially grateful for his father’s advice to pick up some lubricant before the wedding night.)
But the reason for the need for more attention to foreplay is not just physiological. It is also psychological, and especially emotional. Women tend to focus more on the personal relationship in sex, compared to men, and foreplay is a way of cultivating that sense of personal union that is so important to them.
That’s why “foreplay” doesn’t consist simply in caressing a woman’s breasts or vulva — her most obvious erogenous zones, which men tend to latch onto quickly — but in caressing the whole body and also in the affectionate words accompanying the kisses and caresses.
A husband needs to tell his wife that he admires her, and why he admires her. He needs to know what her psychological needs are: her worries, her frustrations, her desires and aspirations — and what makes her feel loved, what makes her feel close to, united with this man with whom she is making love. A man has to create a spiritual union with his wife to prepare her for the physical union.
Advice for Men
Men tend to get impatient (“yeah, yeah, I know we gotta talk”), partly because the sexual urge is propelling them forward at a faster pace. But, of course, they can learn to be more patient, and the “payoff” is great: their beloved will ultimately respond more powerfully to their lovemaking. And some men even learn to enjoy the foreplay as much as their wives (though probably not the “foretalk“!)
Foreplay is one area where it’s important not to misunderstand the ideal of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you.” A man shouldn’t necessarily do to a woman what he would like done to him. Men are generally very “phallocentric” — they focus a lot on what is being done (or not being done) to their penis. Sometimes they assume, unthinkingly, that a wife likewise wants her husband to focus on her genitals. Husbands do this at least partly because, once a wife is really aroused, she really does like that attention to the genitals. But that arousal may take a while (at least for most wives). This isn’t really news — it’s pretty well known that women really value their entire body being involved in foreplay, with the concentrated focus on the genitals put off until they have become very aroused.
Since it often takes a woman more time to become aroused, one useful suggestion is this: a husband can (when on top) position one of his knees softly up against his wife’s vulva, as he engages primarily in foreplay’s earlier stages of kissing and caressing. He can let her increase the pressure of the contact as she gets into it (and the contact will help her do so). This is often better than a husband moving immediately to massaging the vulva, which sometimes comes across to his wife as too much, too soon.
It’s good to keep in mind here what I have noted in another section (here): that many women (especially those in long-term monogamous relationships) don’t start with (physical or sensual) sexual desire that leads them to engage in sexual relations (as is typical with men). Wives often start with a (non-physical) desire to express love for their spouses or to achieve emotional closeness, which leads them to engage in sexual activity, which then brings on sexual desire.
Foreplay for Him
Women need to understand how different men are, when it comes to foreplay. For a husband, it is overwhelmingly her attention to his penis that he wants (since men are generally very phallocentric). That can be a problem, especially earlier in marriage, because he sometimes wants so much attention that it leads to (premature) ejaculation, preventing the completion of the sexual union. As a husband gets older, one of the upsides of that aging is that he is able to sustain much more extended attention to his penis, without ejaculating. That is one source of delight in an older man’s lovemaking.
A wife can delight her husband and raise a strong erection by manually stimulating his penis in many ways. She can stroke it with her hand or hands in various ways. For example, she can move her hand upward from the scrotum or the base of the penis to the tip, or she can move it downward from the tip to the base. She can move her hand around the glans at the top, or focus on the frenulum beneath the glans (a particularly sensitive spot), or manually caress it other ways and at various speeds and with different kinds of pressure. She can use two hands, with somewhat different motions. He is likely to respond to all of these, but she can observe which ones seem to stimulate him the most.